Akke-Jeane Klerk

How to Overcome Codependency?

‘Why do I try and help someone that I dislike?’

This was a fundamental question that I didn’t really know how to answer at the time. Gradually, I realized that it was my woundedness projected on the other person, and by ‘helping’ the other, I was unconsciously attending to my own wounding. 

Early on in my dating life, I became somewhat aware that I had codependency issues. Often, I would feel the urge to help. At the time I saw myself as sensitive and as an empath, but those labels didn’t reflect the destructive aspects of codependency. 

Working in the helping profession (as a psychology lecturer, trainer, and coach)—helped me to recognize and deal with my codependency. But it has been a long journey to give up the role of the ‘savior’. Luckily this journey has brought a great sense of freedom in no longer feeling a need to help others all the time. 

Everyone working in the helping profession must ask themselves the question of why they are motivated to help others and what it is that they gain from it. It was no different for me. In my capacity as a teacher, I saw in my classroom that whenever I was ‘helping too much,’ my students would sit back and become dependent on my instructions. Coming face to face with this involuntary effect was eye-opening for my other relationships as well. I had to ask myself: 

  • When I am helping, am I unconsciously stimulating the dependency of the other on me?
  • Is my way of helping beneficial for the other person’s autonomy? 
  • How do the helping dynamics play out in my romantic relationships? 
  • Is helping my way of trying to be in control?

These questions prepared me to move into the next stage of reflection and work. I noticed another feature of my codependency, which was having difficulties in witnessing the other person dealing with the effects of their behaviors. This was especially the case when it was quite painful for them. I tended to step in wanting to regulate their emotions.

As a beginning coach, I became aware that I was, sometimes, trying to erase the natural effect that one has to pay as a price for their behavior. So I had to dig deep and face the feelings of guilt, of no longer doing this for my clients. I also asked myself:

  • Why do I make myself responsible for someone else’s emotions? 
  • Why do I feel guilty when I am not helping? 
  • What am I avoiding while feeling guilty?
  • How am I unconsciously regulating the emotions of the people I meet on my life path?
  • What am I trying to ‘fix’ in another that really needs ‘fixing’ in myself?

Learning about codependency and how to deal with it, has helped me personally and professionally. To learn about it, doesn’t have to take years. I highly recommend the course on codependency on the Jung Platform by Craig Chalquist. Craig is an excellent teacher and dives into this topic in detail.

Over time, I have come to understand that overcoming codependency is about becoming more caring towards myself. To care for the other as well mysef self from a place of genuine choice rather than unconscious compulsion. That shift didn't not happen overnight. But here are four practices that may help you.

Learn to tolerate physical and emotional discomfort
One of the hardest lessons in recovering from codependency is learning to tolerate the discomfort of not helping. When someone close to us is struggling, the urge to step in can feel overwhelming. It is physical to start with. That urge is worth examining. Whose discomfort are we really trying to relieve? Often, when we dig honestly into that question, we find that we are trying to manage our own anxiety. Learning to sit with that feeling, without immediately acting on it, is one of the most important skills in moving from codependency toward genuine connection.

Notice the stories you tell about yourself
Codependency is often held in place by a story: I am someone who helps. I am the strong one. I am the one people come to. These stories feel like identity, but they are also a kind of armor. The Jungian concept of the persona is useful here. It is the mask we wear to go through life. When helping becomes part of the persona, our own needs go underground into the shadow. Noticing the story, questioning it, is getting to know who you really are. Follow the invitation to find out who you are beneath the adapted role.

Develop your relationship with your own needs
Many people with codependent tendencies find it genuinely difficult to answer the question: what do I need right now? Sitting with that question daily, begins to rebuild the relationship with yourself that codependency erodes. (In Jungian terms you work on the ego-Self axis. Your focus shifts to your own individuation process.)

Seek support. You do not have to do this alone
Ironically, one of the things that helps most in healing codependency is allowing yourself to receive support rather than always giving it. Whether through therapy, or Jungian coaching, having a space where your own inner life is the focus can be a healing ingredient.

Letting go of your old codependent 'identity', will free you so that you can walk your own path.

CODEPENDENCY COURSES

Craig Chalquist is a depth psychology teacher, that has learned about codependency and narcissism from the inside out. 

In Craig Chalquist’s latest course Codependency and Narcissism He explores the relationship dynamic of codependency and narcissism from various perspectives: Jungian, mythological, and other psychoanalytic traditions. 

In the five-class course Codependency, Craig explores how to identify and heal codependency. 

Craig also teaches the highly-rated course Narcissism

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Akke-Jeanne Klerk
Akke-Jeanne is Jung Platform’s co-founder & Jungian Coach. Her background consists of a Master’s in Psychology, and several years of training in Jungian Analysis. She is the author of ‘Psychology of Heartbreak’ (in Dutch) and has offered trainings on coaching for over a decade.

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